pressure ;;

One thing in my life, that is really hard for me is dealing with the pressures in life. People attempting to pressure me into doing things I don't want to. It makes my friendships with these people harder. They become unreasonable not getting what pleases them most- and I end up being the bad guy. I really try to hear and know what people want and need out of a relationship with me. Essentially everyone needs each other, and no one can read minds. I won't be able to please everyone and myself, but it's unfair to ask me to please you in a way I am not willing to do. I will always treat you well, and I will always be there for you, I will love you. Unconditionally, but that is as far as I can go. I can't be put through kind of unproductive stress- it doesn't benefit either of us. We shouldn't have to argue our way through friendship. We should be learning how to be more reasonable. Meeting each other half way- trying to grow from each conflict. Not blowing it out of proportion and regressing in our friendship. We have to learn to talk to each other, and listen. Not creating conflict that doesn't teach us anything. Try not to use tones, or loud voices, but to think about each word we speak, and how they are going to affect one another. I try to explain myself. Clearly I am not being understood, or I am being ignored. Either way, we are not going to be a productive part in each others lives, maybe we should part ways. I would like to try to remain friends, seeing each other through rough patches. Lean on me.

If you ever need me, I'll be here. Always.

written while listening to ;; dr. Dre - Let Me Ride

as for the weekend ;;

Last night I went to Elmocambo, for break'n entertainment's BOMB THREAT ...
it was boom, was Karebare, and Nick's birthdays.
Marcus Visionary spun a sick set, as usual, and everyone in the jungle room -
Tester, DJ K, Krinjah, Debaser, Mighty Melody, Red Lion, Mensa & Lucky you all KILLED IT.
Toronto talent up. Canned food drive took $5 off cover, which is also nice to see !!
Good jam, good seeing all of you !!

So onto food - today I ate some fruit salad [leftover] and two small slices of multi whole grain thin crust olive and mushroom pizza. It was good too. I am glad it's less than 200 calories per slice. Tonight I think I might just munch on some veggies, and call it a day- more water too. I feel healthier. Resisting temptation with junk during the hockey game today was hard also - Crosby's goal was great! They did well. Duffed it a bit in the last period, but hey, they won it. Team USA should have had smiles on their faces also, poor sportsmanship much ?

I had a very relaxing, calm day. I ate fruit, and watched hockey. It was a good refresher to start off the week tomorrow. I think tomorrow I am going to look into some kitchen jobs also, see where maybe that could take me.... I applied for a position at Zee Grill, hopefully that leads me somewhere, Jac Eckhardt is a very good chef. Well I guess life will show me.

Letting life find it's way to me, while I go looking for new things to know. I find myself exploring and learning my awareness each day. Seeing and growing knowledge of self, and seeing the day for what it is. I seize each day, confident tomorrow will be better. I make sure I focus on being conscious of my words, and actions. My intentions. My love.

Feeling better inside, and feeling better outside.
Feeling better than I have in a really long time.
Just being able to find me, and appropriately disperse myself in a balanced fashion has proved to be more rewarding. The gratification comes from the success of my learning. It's been a bad 15 months, but in it's own right the strongest I have ever been, and most definitely the most conscious of myself I have ever been.

written while listening to ;; dj nu-mark and pomo - melody .

looking in the mirror ;;

I don't mean physically looking in a mirror, in that sense- I mean really truly seeing yourself. Knowing who you are, what you are, and what you're capable of. I look into my mirror and see someone who is drastically changing. Seeing, being, living in a more aware state of consciousness.

Being more aware of each word I say - and how I say it so I can be understood, instead of examined. Learning the correct ways to express myself, finding logical and accurate ways to string words together. Attempting to speak in a way that the listener understands what I am trying to say. Simply knowing how the words relate to the thought is how I can further learn to communicate.

As I dig further into myself, I start seeing how my mind acts comparing to my mind. Sometimes mental processes and bodily processes are together, learning to find nothing in myself and detach my mind and body is something that will come, with time and continued learning. Trying to reduce my response to certain stimuli, and control my needs and wants. Being more intune with my intentions and the reactions they surface.

Finding a greater appreciation of nature, art, music and even history, I find a greater need for knowledge, to continuously learn. Always looking further into myself, and the world to see more. Exploring art, music, nature and culture are what hold me firm to experience, and growth. Art is the expression of thought through all sorts of media. It can be interpreted in many ways, but usually the artist has something specific to convey. Music is the same kind of way, many valid ways to produce a final message. The universe provides an endless amount of beauty within natural creations. Plants, animals, weather, all parts of the Earth. Trying to protect that is becoming increasingly important to me personally. Understanding my senses, trying to deconstruct why they make me feel the way they do-and what is an accurate interpretation of these reactions is how I continue to find appreciation and understanding.

Being more aware leads me to be more logical and rational. Thinking things through, leaving it, then seeing the clearly better way to embrace the situation, I am looking past illusion and seeing more intently. Reasonable thoughts woven together result in further conclusive and meditated action, and reaction. Again, learning to value nothing over something is imperative to successful states of being. The value of nothing as opposed to something is given me the insight into my own values in life. Certainly still perfecting the perfect combination, but I find it is ever changing. Alive, and vital truth.

Balancing each opposing factor in my life, ultimately leads to the evolution of my intellectual processes and accepting change that occurs naturally. Soon with more learning, reading, experiencing will occupy me wisely, pushing me in the right direction. I believe I am already walking on the right road...

welcome change.

written listening to ;; tool - disposition

dinner ;;

For dinner I had a very filling udon noodle soup;;
veg broth, bok choy, bean sprouts, broccoli, tofu, onion, ginger, garlic, sesame seed oil.

everything FRESH!!
was SO GOOD.

dessert ;;
pineapple, cantaloupe, grapes and blueberry salad, with strawberry yogurt and granola.

FEELING HEALTHIER ALREADY !!
written while listening to ;; roni size - brown paper bag

saturday is day one ;;

Day one has been going very well.
I had a couple things to do this morning, also laundry and errands.
All went as planned - didn't get to the grocery store yet, but still managed to eat very well.
One apple. [ red delicious ] it was really juicy!
Half a tomato, and half a cucumber [ village salad style ] with greek dressing.
One serving of crackers - and I ate them plain.
It was a filling, and healthy lunch.
At about 5 glasses of water...hopefully more soon. It's hard to get it all down thinking about it.
I have to stop thinking about it.
anyways in the end this conscious effort to eat healthier is good.
Everyone around me was eating bacon, tomato and cheese with mayo on bagels.
I did not. So proud of myself for not even eating cheese.

I think this is the best route, get back in tune with food.
Real food.

written while listening to ;; megalomaniac - incubus

dreams ;;

More recently I have been having vivid, memorable, calm dreams. I think I am finding my correctness within these dreams. Like a reflection upon the day. I like how they are influencing me in a positive way - even when I don't like my initial reaction to it. I have to find truth in these images, and through this thought I see reality. This reality has been focused on calm meditated actions.

And change.

Change within me, myself and my consciousness.
A welcome change.


Share some of your dreams with me.

written while listening to ;; Zed's Dead

preparations for day one ;;

Today is the beginning - I am eating an apple, and carrots as we speak ...
Tomorrow is day one of no junk food for 40 days !!!
I usually drink between 8 - 6 glasses of water a day,
I try hard not to intake other liquids- but it's hard with soy vanilla chai lattes, and mango juice.
BUT I am going to continue with what I started today. 12-15 glasses of water per day.
They suggest 8 glasses to keep you hydrated, so if I take that up it will start to detoxify my body.
I love water already - more can't hurt.
Also - this will take my sugar consumption down from no other liquid intake.
Grocery shopping tomorrow.
Thinking maybe baby spinach, with steamed green beans and baby potatoes. Dressed with fresh raspberry basil vinaigrette. Warm salad is great in the winter. Don't steam the spinach, so it's just barely warming through with the steam of the beans and potatoes.
One legume, and one whole grain make a protein, so I think I may have to add a high fiber breakfast to each day. This way I get my fiber and whole grains at the same time.

I'd like to be more aware of my fat intake too - so no more candy and nonsensical calories in munchies. Time to trim down, so I can be happier with my body. I'll be happier and have a lot less to hold on to.

All these small changes will end in a happier me. A more productive, progressive me.
The Best Me.

written while listening to ;; murs and 9th wonder - free

static systematic drones ;;

Creating static systematic drones is how the government controls future generations. Close to eliminating creative arts in school is one crystal clear example of compressing creative thought. Feeding through the media, with propaganda to brainwash people into believing what they want, instead of the possibilities. Information force fed to society to believe. Flu shots, servings of fruit, violence, ultra violence. Sickness, and ultimate health. Mental illness, when sometimes truth is being forced out. People suppressing truth in order to gain the followers, instead of encouraging free thought and progressive experience.
What is normal ? really ?
How are we supposed to live ?
Please tell me, so I can live life in a bubble. A cocoon of comfort where I am capable of nothing but what I have been told is correct. Never finding anything true to myself, being instantly gratified by money and fat. Trim the edges, let life show you what is really there. Unmask your ignorant ways, and see life. Take other opinions to find accurate living.

Aren't we supposed to be looking hard into ourselves in order to find the right way at the time, instead of one static correct perspective. What is the point of being individual if we're all going to end up as androids. Robots who follow order, and are programmed to create the " ideal " conflict in order to financially gain ?

What have we become ? Greedy for more, and splitting heads to do it. We should be using our time to get answers, and find accuracy in life. To find truth within experience, and applying it to what we do. Each day. Growing. Learning.

Lasting through it all.


Thoughts ?
this one is an ongoing thought, not something I am fully happy with. But opinion helps me to see more.

written while listening to : dj Saigon pt 2 TOP GUNNIN'

no junk food ;;

My blog is starting off - as a 40 days no junk food cleanse.

Today is the day before the first day, I just decided I was going to make one more big change for myself. Living healthier not only intellectually, mentally, but now physically.
I am clearly not happy with the weight gain - and not because of looks, but because of the junk food I ate all winter. Time to cleanse my body.

Tomorrow is day one, going to try mostly raw foods- and look back into becoming a vegan, or possibly going organic. I think if I limit myself to one non-vegan day per week, then it will give my diet enough variety to stay healthy. This one day can only consist of organic/free range animal consumption. Tomorrow is test out being a vegan time though. Let's see what happens. Anyone care to join me on this journey of food, and life ?

Discipline to not eat junk food - is going to be harder. No more convenience eating. I will have to be more aware of each piece of food I am eating, therefore being more aware of my food-and where it is coming from. I also will try to do more situps/pushups/skipping like I used to! TIME TO GET HEALTHY INSIDE AND OUT.

Changes are helping me realize how well I am actually doing. Learning and growing everyday, realizing more of what I was hiding from myself, and not seeing clearly in life. I was already aware - not merely applying my knowledge, and surprisingly it is working. Now it's time to apply this to my eating, and ultimately consumption. It's more for my life to be a more conscious effort.

Change starts by looking in the mirror. Really seeing yourself. Your actions- and the reactions they cause. I am applying that slowly to each aspect of life. Eventually I will be exactly where I want to be.

The best me, it will come.

In it for the long haul.

xx
written while listening to - dj Saigon TOPP GUNNIN' pt 1