christmas wish list ;;

i suggest we all write one .


- consciousness
- peace
- understanding
- tolerance
- love
- compassion
- compromise
- experience

total examination ;;

looking at exact intent.
exact intake.
exact reaction.
exact action.
attempt.

shock and awe ;;

to my surprise i see this reverse in steps but forward in motion.
i think it's like i am going to have a chance to really have everything i have ever wanted, as long as i do it in the emptiest way possible. go in with nothing, absorb it all, and really focus on suceeding the way i know i can.
have all my dreams become more than just a reality.
what is reality for my shell, if not the same as for my consciousness.

sim simma veggie noodle soup for dinnaa ;;

i opted for veggie soup last night, for more variety. i realized also yesterday this has to be my platform for more than just food - i have to start using it to air out my thoughts. i have more recently spent my internet time at starbucks. they are so nice by the way- so welcoming!! grateful for all of the people that work there. anyways- i am having a calm tea, thankgoodness for the 150teas, and i just finished dipping cookies in chocolate for the crew tonight. i may eat one, against junk food rules, but it may be one of the last dinners in the castle, so screw it! i had a cheddar whole wheat bun sandwich for lunch! it was good. gluten is going to be hard to quiiiiiiit. but i am going to try after the last bit of pasta is gone. crazy struggles with food!

there's tons of reasons for needing an extra part time job. i need one sooner than later. been applying everywhere. have an interview today, don't want to jinx it but i need this. need it, so that i can release some stress from my financial world.

siigh, the pains and stuggles of life, but i enjoy every minute OF EXPERIENCE. may i add radiohead is on in starbucks today, and i love this - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

day two ;;

well, gluten is not going quite yet - have to finish off all the pasta at home so i am not a wasteful being. anyways - yesterday a basil, spinach and olive oil rotini served with parm was lunch! i ate leftovers for dinner too! hehe for breakfast, cake and i had chocolate yogurt, peanut butter and banana shakes! that was amazing. loved it so much.

today, i am going to try to finish off the rigatoni i have left, and then no more gluten. there's not much food in the castle right now, so simple pasta's with a veg and olive oil save the day! and for brunch i had a whole grain bagel with cream cheese. very balanced, protein that i need and whole grains. perfect way to start eating!

hopefully the variety moves quickly- and i am diving headfirst into gluten free cooking next week- MISSION NO MORE JUNK IN EFFECT

long time. forty more days.

Hey everyone -
well since the changes in life this year, in consciousness, lifestyle, love, friendship, home, the way i treat myself, which in turn changes how i treat others leads me to believe it is a perfect time to reboot my food system. i just got my wisdom teeth pulled, and to be honest, it really drained me not being able to eat good foods. i am also in the process [ long process ] of quitting smoking. gradual decline in nicotine intake has left me at three to four cigarettes a day- or less. I really try to not need it, but i think this week i am going to add the patch and remove cigarettes completely. anyways - that's a struggle and story in itself.

today i launch my quest for good eating . again. when i did it at the beginning of the year - it really helped me loose the excess weight i had gained over the prior year...20+lbs....and i am now at a healthy, and happy body weight that i can maintain. with all of this and me loosing the initial quitting smoking five pounds, i now see myself fit to quit all processed foods, and foods not beneficial to my health. I really want to have a happy healthy and long future with the ones i love, and when now is so amazing, tomorrow can only be better - i really appreciate everyone who has stuck by me, believed in me when i was at my worst. when i did things i didn't understand, when i treated myself so poorly i was not capable of treating anyone around me any better....thank you and i love you. thank you for never leaving me behind, never loosing hope in me, and for always telling me the truth about myself so i could look in the mirror and finally change how i treat myself so i am capable of loving the rest of the world. i have now even been blessed by the universe to have a special human i can't wait to coexist with, make a future together. letting the winds of the heavens blow between us so we can create togetherness in souls uniting. beauty is now. treat yourself the best now. for now. forever.

this time i go one step deeper. NO MORE GLUTEN . !!! N O N E .

so no processed foods, nothing deep fried, or high in refined sugars or fats. nothing unnatural or over processed. nothing that is more than one generation of process [ ie. almond milk is first generation therefore i can consume it in tiny quantities , when organic ] i am also going to try to eat as much organic or natural as possible. hopefully it's possible, but i will update and keep photo journal like before. also, i am going to add skipping for 30-50 minutes four times a week, paired with sit ups, push ups and try some other exercise [ maybe yoga or pilates ? anyone have any good books i can borrow ? or get online ? ].


i really hope some of you join me in my quest for good eating, and a healthy lifestyle.
love from me and from the universe.

sharing a tiny piece of what i am currently reading [ again ] ;;

"’FACETS OF THE INDIVIDUAL’
HE CAME TO see us surrounded by his disciples. They were of every kind, the well-to-do and the poor, the high governmental official and the widow, the fanatic and the young man with a smile. They were a pleasant and happy lot, and the shadows were dancing on the white house. In the thick foliage, parrots were screeching, and a noisy lorry went by. The young man was eager and insisted on the importance of the guru, the teacher; the others were in accord with him and smiled with delight as he made his points, clearly and objectively. The sky was very blue, and a white-throated
eagle was circling just above us with hardly a flutter of the wing. It was a very beautiful day. How we destroy each other, the pupil the guru, and the guru the pupil! How we conform, break away to take shape again! A bird was pulling out a long worm from the moist earth. We are many and not one. The one does not come into being till the many cease. The clamorous many are at war with each other day and night, and this war is the pain of life. We destroy one, but another rises in its place; and this seemingly endless process is our life. We try to impose the one on the many, but the one soon becomes the many. The voice of the many is the voice of the one, and the one voice assumes authority; but it is still the chattering of a voice. We are the voices of the many, and we try to catch the still voice of the one. The one is the many if the many are silent to hear the voice of the one. The many can never find the one. Our problem is not how to hear the one voice but to understand the composition, the make-up of the many which we are. One facet of the many cannot understand the many; one entity cannot understand the many entities which we are. Though one facet tries to control, discipline, shape the other facets, its efforts are ever self-enclosing, narrowing. The whole cannot be understood through the part, and that is why we never understand. We never get the view of the whole, we are never
aware of the whole, because we are so occupied with the part. The part divides itself and becomes the many. To be aware of the whole, the conflict of the many, there must be the understanding of desire. There is only one activity of desire; though there are varying and conflicting demands and pursuits, they are all the outcome of desire. Desire may not be sublimated or suppressed; it must be understood without him who understands. If the entity who understands is there, then it is still
the entity of desire. To understand without the experiencer is to be free of the one and of the many. All activities of conformity and denial, of analysis and acceptance, only strengthen the experiencer. The experiencer can never understand the whole. The experiencer is the accumulated, and there is no understanding within the shadow of the past. Dependence on the past may offer a way of action, but the cultivation of a means is not understanding. Understanding is not of the mind, of thought; and if thought is disciplined into silence to capture that which is not of the mind, then that which is experienced is the projection of the past. In the awareness of this whole process there is a silence which is not of the experiencer. In this silence only does understanding come into being."
- krishnamurti

whoaaaaaaa ;;

update time ! SORRY I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A WHILE.
i did make it through the 40 days- and now i am getting down to the nitty gritty.
calorie counting.
being at peak awareness with my food intake.
never denying myself - but merely controlling myself.

lately i have been seeing my growth.
growth in patience, understanding.
still working on my reactions...
seeing that i am capable of anything i want in life - and also that life will show me what is right when i hit a crossroad.
i really have seen more ability in myself to enjoy more simple pleasures-
rearranging my priorities. most evidently in my need to look at myself.
i want to know that i am on the road to being the best me -
and this in itself makes me quite happy. knowing i am going in a direction i want to go in.
i am more sure of each step, and i am finding consciousness as i walk the path of life.

conscious action. more conscious reaction. conscious intent. conscious effort. more focus on listening and understanding problems. forwarding my peaking interest in self, and also healing.

pushing forward, while enjoying it.

stuesday ;;

Well I had leftovers today,
made nachos with the leftover "meat".
it was really good.
I also had some whole milk iced cream...it was grrrrrrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaaaat!
And a pear!

What a healthy day!

new week ;;

Yesterday I had peanut butter and blueberry jelly on brown, it was tasty, and healthy. I also had a banana, an apple and a bowl of cereal. Today I made a vegetarian taco, with ; homemade guacamole, tofu with portobellos and spring onion, and spices as vegan taco "meat"...with lettuce, shredded cheese, tomatoes and salsa!
I had mine as a taco salad though. It was great!

Also last night made Creme Brulee cookies, with sugar on top and everything. They are custard flavored, with crunchy sugar crust on top. Just like a real creme brulee!!!

skipped a day, opps ;;

Yesterday I had an avocado and brie sandwich on whole wheat- with fresh cut fries. And a veggie patty. Today I ate 4 slices of thin crust cheese pizza, and one pancake, a banana, and a bowl of cereal. I have had a couple busy days.
Last night I went down to Kensington with friends and it was fun! We drank organic mill street beer all night, it was fun

Tonight I am not enjoying the rain, so I am going to stay in, watch a flick, maybe read. I don't really know. Sometimes I think no one reads this blog anyway, so who cares! But at the same time, who knows!

Mama, and Nanay [ Nanay means mother in tagalog, even though she's my grandmother, she's the family's mother-- hence the nay ] <3 CAME HOME YESTERDAY !!! Was so happy to see them - went to the airport to make sure I could say hello!

Anyways- happy rainy saturday kids ....

THEY come home tomorrow ;;

YAY <3
MOMMAAAA
&& NANAY TOO <3

thursday ;;

Was busy today, didn't have much of an appetite...but I had spaghetti tossed with tomatoes, olive oil, basil and parm. It was really good. I also had a bowl of cereal today, to get some more whole grains. I had a little peanut butter with crackers- to get some protein, and a banana! I had some good eats today.

I am compiling a list of vegan meals I want to try out soon, and so that is probably going to be next week- also looking into only grocery shopping at Whole Foods now, which should be nice, everything organic and free range. Love that. And exclusively shopping there will give me little movement in buying junk.

Currently I am learning to be unidentifiable through labels and prejudice. I am trying to also see others and scenario that way also. Letting go. Being free.

middle of the week ;;

Today I had an english muffin, with an egg and a piece of cheese for breakfast. It was a whole wheat muffin- so that is good. A cracked wheat peanut butter sandwich, with a handful of popcorn for lunch....I had a bowl of the pancit noodles from yesterday for dinner. I am having some mango now- have to finish a few things, then do some laundry. I have to update my sparkoflife also....I am actually eating three square-ish meals a day and two really healthy snacks. I am getting the right amount of everything- and lots of water! At alice in wonderland I had popcorn [ last night ]. It was a GRREAAAT movie.

It's been busy lately- but I will write more again soon. More in depth of what I am learning lately. My conflict resolution is getting way better! This makes me happy.

More soon.
<3

eats for today ;;

I had homemade pizza for lunch, with mushrooms and green peppers. It was made on a foccacia bread, with no cheese. I really enjoyed it! For dinner I had homemade pancit canton, which is a cantonese noodle with ginger, garlic, onion, spring onion, tofu, carrots, broccoli, bok choy, and lemon on top. So fresh, and tasty. Added a bit of veggie broth to make the flavors deeper- added sesame oil also in the beginning to stir fry the vegetables. I love cooking, and I love how those around me are learning to eat more veg and less meat.

I watched Food Inc. recently, it was a really good movie. I like how raw it is- and how it shows how our eating habits are really destroying us slowly. We need to demand better food, better quality, better ways of raising our animals, treating them with respect. At one point during the movie they showed how the biggest slaughter house in america kills their pigs, they SQUISH them to death- it was hard to watch, I cried! I even had a nightmare about it- I think which was reinforcing that I quit eating meat again. Be more aware. Be more conscious of where my food comes from.

case of the mondays ;;

Today I ate a garden salad, with rice and 3 falafel ! It was really good, with a bit of hummus, and some water. I really enjoyed it. I want to grab some fruit for later.
I am tired and really just want to spend the rest of the night relaxing.

aaaaaaaaaamazing day ;;

That was AWESOME.
I got chosen RANDOMLY to cook on stage with Lynn Crawford,
I made apple chutney! = ) made me so happy. She complimented my dice, and also told me to come by her restaurant that opens in two weeks to talk to her and chef Julie about a position. I am going back to the rest. show tomorrow to talk to her again.
I BROKE MY NO JUNK FOOD STREAK TODAY !!
Ate so much- like 5 different gelatos, and frozen yogurts, and animal bi-product free jello, it was AWESOME. made by kozi something. I really liked the variety of food- I kept skipping tasting because I didn't want to eat too much - or get full. With all the walking, and fun I think I burned enough calories to even out all that gelato!! haha !! When I go back tomorrow I am going to eat a lot more, because I know what I want to eat now haha! I really love the Food and Drink part of it. It's awesome. I missed Kevin Brauch today, so I'll watch him do his mixology thing tomorrow. I got a lot of samples and such to take home, which is really nice of the vendors to do. I am really excited to go back tomorrow. I could spend all three days there! LOVED IT. had such a GREAT DAY.



written while listening to ;; snoop dogg - it's you i adore

re-blog for a friend ;;

"Black then white are all I see in my infancy. red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me."

Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 1:46am

Confronting my capability pushes me to truth. I was conditioned to believe certain ideals, these illusions are what we have all been conditioned to learn, and thrive on. Being this blind to other perspective is blatantly contradictory to living, growing and extending ability to know the value of nothing contrary to everything. Each disagreement is an opportunity to experience, step outside of yourself- to unveil value in possibly vital knowledge. Riding the spiral to the end, and finding a verdict to actuality. Lifting myself above my own expectation of society's altruism to rule myself harmonized with the universe. Fusing myself to knowledge of self, eternally striving for more can determine my loyal devotion to any higher authority, and truthfully as I journey forward, unmasking each lesson, I forward my own healing process. I see how love and compassion have been strength to me- easily one of the reasons I have more recently learned to turn to life. Allowing myself to drift into the wave of society- as though I am learning to swim in the raging ocean. As I make progress swimming, I see increased attentiveness. Seemly more alert of myself, my actions and the reactions they may cause. The experiences flush away leaving me refreshed and prepared for more. Certainly I observe patiently, waiting for the right moment to interject, instead of riding the wave. Each lesson brings me closer to being able to identify the correct application of my awareness. Weighing each element of application consciously provides me with a stronger ability to conquer each challenge I am confronted with, at each violent turn. These experiences, afterwords drop and become vacant, leaving behind only wiser possibility for greater personal achievement. All these changes are evidently fresh, although excessively welcome, and reading through others perspectives helps me to rationalize my own actualities. Sharing is increasing the chances for the accuracy. Simply challenging myself to learn is absurdly more effective in my personal progress, than vaguely living and breathing with my prejudices provided by my academic educators, and elders, roaming earth with no intention of growth. Ignorantly encasing myself in a bubble, only to have chances for change to bounce off my cocoon, which evidently would lead to an empty short lived life. That is an illusion I cannot extend into other than to experience as others do, to have perspective, but not allowing it to swallow me whole. Granted, I am only learning, and striving for deconstruction of fallacy, I openly like to share my own words, given the appropriate time. Each word helps to guide me to where I am going next - and organizes my ideas thoughtfully.

Thank you for reading.

saturday ;;

Spent today at the neighbours, with friends. I made orange chicken for everyone in the crockpot with rice and pigeon peas. It was a really good dinner. I also had a piece of leftover tart for lunch, and a banana at some point during the day.

Tomorrow is the restaurant show I AM REALLY HYPED.
Going to take some cold medicine and sleep until tomorrow.

Night Everyone, Hope you enjoyed the weather today !
xx

cold and allergy season ;;

I woke up feeling even worse today! I think it's a combination of allergies and a cold. Brutal though, I really want to be better for the restaurant show.
Anyways, today I had two bowls of vanilla rice crispies, and two little pieces of my potato asparagus cheese tart w/ filo dough crust, filled with spinach and broccoli. It was grand ! I am going to lay down with a cup of chamomile and try to get better! Night folks.

current thought ;;

life showed me the way, even though i fell astray, i am proud of me today.
i see myself more clearly, blinded merely, but now seeing life sincerely.
rode the wave of life to now, fate allowed, understanding problems, i vow.
hurling myself into knowledge, but not academic, this time not college.
knowledge of me, my plea to society to be free, lasting life without debris.
life reveals the power in love, sincerity something to secretly be proud of.
leave prejudice, and illusion for compassion should be the action in fashion.
see to gain accuracy in observation, experience each of life's sensations.
unmask yourself in the mirror, be nearer to personal awareness to see clearer.
foundation for information, should be the creation of fascination for transformation.
following the road i already built, healed my guilt, time to let go, and let my vision tilt.
each new day is a way to get straight, to elate what is great, and make my own fate.
i used to burn and i yearned to be strong and stern at each wild destructive turn.
now, i am grateful to see, and to hear and to learn. i also give love, and wisdom i earn.

also, old current thought i liked ;; Tuesday, February 23, 2010 at 8:15pm

my heart
now sewn up and mending.
my mind - worn out, but bending.
finding new meaning to my life
influenced.
explored. experienced. elaborately underestimated.
forcing truth.
forcing myself to see.
letting life take me to see- so i can be free.
i don't worry about it anymore, about my personal growth.
i know i'm on my way - and i no longer loath.
i see happiness within me, that radiates around me.
willing to see- willing to be - willing to be set free.
my turn.
to learn and grow consistently.
my need - expands evidently.
i can't just let anything define my life.
i have to find many ways to explain it to myself.
writing it out; helps me to organize.
i have yet to some , apologize.
once loose ends are tied down - i'll be able to heal forever
making myself better - with each word and letter.
my love,
unconditional and immense.
my life- amazing at best ....

written while listening to ;; barcelona - stamina & dkay

food for thought ;;

Well, today for breakfast I had a whole grain bagel, with a tsp of nutella! mmmm WAS SO GOOD. Then for lunch I had three small slices of broccoli, and pineapple pizza, on thin whole grain, easy on the cheese. It was also really good, about fifteen minutes ago I had a bowl of cheerios ! They were whole grained goodness. I will probably end up having some fruit or something later. I also had a coke zero today, first something that WASN'T water in weeks. Was good- but water is better. I am really glad I have stuck to my NO JUNK FOOD so far - and each day it gets easier. I am getting less used to eating crap everyday!

Today is Thursday, therefore the week is coming to a close, and this is good !
Sunday I am going to the CRFA Foodservice Trends & Directions Conference.
there is going to be ; ;
* celebrity chefs
* Cooking with the Stars
Sunday & Monday Presented by Garland Canada, Manitowoc
"A live culinary event that will see Ontario’s top chefs paired with audience members. Together, the professionals and their newly recruited sous chefs will prepare two plates for judging, based on mystery “black box” ingredients. "

I am very excited for this. Been waiting WEEKS.
woooooo

written while listening to ;; weezer - undone

variety ;;

Today I had oatmeal for breakfast. I had half a chicken breast, grilled, with curried okra, and rice and pigeon peas...I had a bowl of whole grain cereal in the afternoon, with an apple. Later on I had a nutri-grain bar, and a falafel wrap. I had a very healthy day, full of lots of nutrients and flavor.

I was thinking about the rainbow today - how knowing variety can help in any aspect of life. Each color of the rainbow can represent a different perspective, and each one can bring a whole new truth to a situation. I'll write more about this soon.

written while listening to ;; dragon's den on CBC

angel food cake ;;

I just had tuna, on top of lettuce, and cabbage. It was bomb.
THEN I had three bites of angel food cake, with nectarine yogurt and blueberries. mmmm
it only has 120 calories per 85g serving. Three bites is like nothing. The yogurt has 35 per container. So all in all my snack including the tuna salad, and the cake was 200.
Total today I have had just under 1500 calories!
written while listening to ;; the toronto maple laughs loosing to carolina

i'm useless but not for long, the future is coming on ;;

I have been drinking water for years- and I love it. I usually drink tap water- but no frills is having a sale, 15 bottles for 1$. I usually wash them and refill them a bunch of times, so I try to be less wasteful. Also always recycle them.

I had my sole fillet lunch, with rice and steamed broccoli&carrots. I had a bowl of apple reduced sugar oatmeal, with a handful of granola on top, for texture. It was good. I forgot to get more blueberries >.< ! I have to get some tomorrow, organic blueberries are on sale at no frills also. Tomorrow I am going to make tofu and chicken curry, with okra and spinach, served with rice and pigeon peas. I am really trying to mix up flavors and variety of fruit and veg in each meal. Tonight I will probably munch on cantaloupe, or an apple, and I had a yogurt earlier today, and more almonds maybe. I really like the idea of all these whole foods I am eating. Everything seems heartier and better for me. Progress in each aspect of my life is good. I am very happy.
What have you been eating ?

written while listening to ;; gorillaz - clint eastwood

it's stuesday ;;

Manny Pacquiao is one of the most famous filipino's EVER. He is fighting Joshua Clottey March 13. SOON. This is something to look forward to, there's a lot of talking going on about this fight.

Today for lunch I had sole, baked in lemon pepper, with leftover jasmine rice, and steamed broccoli and carrots. It was really good. I liked mixing up the weeks eats with some fish.
I also had a handful of blueberries.

I had a dream last night that I was sitting in a giant vat of grapes, and I was in a vineyard. It was quiet, and peaceful. The only part that I remember standing out, is me squishing the grapes in my hand, and then tons of wine coming out of it. It to me felt like I was telling myself that tiny bits of change within me, lead to bigger change in the long run. I really enjoyed this dream, it was calming.

Off to finish up the day.

written while listening to ;; tool - lateralus

wrap up ;;

The dryer is almost done. I had my chicken dinner, my frozen grapes, a handful of blueberries with strawberry yogurt & a 1/2 cup of granola, white cheddar, on whole grain toast, with cucumber & one serving of peanuts- and that's it for the day.

Overall it was a very healthy day. AND NONE OF IT WAS JUNK FOOD.
= )
written while listening to ;; the television running

blog sharing ;;

BIG UP ALJACK for adding my blog to the spark of life media page.
SHARING IS CARING.
http://sparkoflifemedia.com
http://sparkoflifemedia.com/supranaturalactivity/
check out ALJACK's blog too !!
chooooooooooooooons everywhere !!

also;;
these are green seedless grapes.
try them frozen. i am eating them right now.
SO BOOMDIGGITY
buy them fresh, and then freeze em for an hour.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm

written while listening to ;; skee lo - i wish

weird eating habits ;;

Well, today I didn't have an appetite all day, but went to the grocery store - got a bunch of tasty fruit and veg, some chicken breast- and fish [sole]. Lemons for the fish tomorrow, and made some jasmine rice. Today I got to eat mushroom creamy sauce on my grilled chicken breast, served it with garlic tossed steamed spinach...forgot parsley for garnish...grr !! I will have to remember for tomorrow. I have to learn to eat three proper meals in a day instead of one big one and 3 little snacks. It's probably not the greatest way - but I find if I eat three then I end up taking in more calories. So for now -- my weird eating habits stay.

I also got blueberries, grapes, cantaloupe, and mango tofu. Mmm, that will be good later. As of right now I am really full, I think my stomach is finally shrinking again, and I will be able to eat less and feel satisfied. Since I didn't eat lunch, I thought why not indulge in something higher in calories...and it was worth it !!
AND IT WASN'T JUNK FOOD = ) !

I have been eating very healthy, and maintaining my water intake. Hopefully this all works for bathing suit weather. It's still a few months so I have plenty of time to eat healthy, fresh foods.
As for being vegan, learning how to cook well, really makes it hard to cook strictly vegan food.
I want to have more free range and organic meats, poultry and seafood available at MY LOCAL SUPERMARKET. I think I may write them a letter....

written while listening to ;; serani - study people
[[ ps. does anyone know who made the remix of study people, [dnb] that was played @ Elmocambo this weekend ?????????? ]]

equal reactions ;;

In life we have all made mistakes in how we treat people. We have all mistreated the people we love, and hurt those around us- now it's about how we continue life and treating people. Learning to make sure you treat others the way you expect to be treated is important to keeping healthy, vital relationships with the people you care about. I try to be aware of my actions and their reactions in order to keep destructive conflict at a minimum. When I get a reaction I didn't expect I usually try to analyze what I did wrong in the situation - and try to correct it. Gaining this accuracy in my action is rewarding when the reactions are reasonable. I will continue to correct my actions and reactions, finding a balance within them.

As for eats for the day, I think I am going to make grilled chicken on a salad. Or something along those lines, maybe a nicoise salad...steamed potatoes, steamed green beans, hard boiled egg, tomatoes, tuna and nicoise olives ! with a Dijon dressing. CLASSIC.

Grocery store mission later. Have a great day everyone !!

written while listening to ;; biggie - warning

pressure ;;

One thing in my life, that is really hard for me is dealing with the pressures in life. People attempting to pressure me into doing things I don't want to. It makes my friendships with these people harder. They become unreasonable not getting what pleases them most- and I end up being the bad guy. I really try to hear and know what people want and need out of a relationship with me. Essentially everyone needs each other, and no one can read minds. I won't be able to please everyone and myself, but it's unfair to ask me to please you in a way I am not willing to do. I will always treat you well, and I will always be there for you, I will love you. Unconditionally, but that is as far as I can go. I can't be put through kind of unproductive stress- it doesn't benefit either of us. We shouldn't have to argue our way through friendship. We should be learning how to be more reasonable. Meeting each other half way- trying to grow from each conflict. Not blowing it out of proportion and regressing in our friendship. We have to learn to talk to each other, and listen. Not creating conflict that doesn't teach us anything. Try not to use tones, or loud voices, but to think about each word we speak, and how they are going to affect one another. I try to explain myself. Clearly I am not being understood, or I am being ignored. Either way, we are not going to be a productive part in each others lives, maybe we should part ways. I would like to try to remain friends, seeing each other through rough patches. Lean on me.

If you ever need me, I'll be here. Always.

written while listening to ;; dr. Dre - Let Me Ride

as for the weekend ;;

Last night I went to Elmocambo, for break'n entertainment's BOMB THREAT ...
it was boom, was Karebare, and Nick's birthdays.
Marcus Visionary spun a sick set, as usual, and everyone in the jungle room -
Tester, DJ K, Krinjah, Debaser, Mighty Melody, Red Lion, Mensa & Lucky you all KILLED IT.
Toronto talent up. Canned food drive took $5 off cover, which is also nice to see !!
Good jam, good seeing all of you !!

So onto food - today I ate some fruit salad [leftover] and two small slices of multi whole grain thin crust olive and mushroom pizza. It was good too. I am glad it's less than 200 calories per slice. Tonight I think I might just munch on some veggies, and call it a day- more water too. I feel healthier. Resisting temptation with junk during the hockey game today was hard also - Crosby's goal was great! They did well. Duffed it a bit in the last period, but hey, they won it. Team USA should have had smiles on their faces also, poor sportsmanship much ?

I had a very relaxing, calm day. I ate fruit, and watched hockey. It was a good refresher to start off the week tomorrow. I think tomorrow I am going to look into some kitchen jobs also, see where maybe that could take me.... I applied for a position at Zee Grill, hopefully that leads me somewhere, Jac Eckhardt is a very good chef. Well I guess life will show me.

Letting life find it's way to me, while I go looking for new things to know. I find myself exploring and learning my awareness each day. Seeing and growing knowledge of self, and seeing the day for what it is. I seize each day, confident tomorrow will be better. I make sure I focus on being conscious of my words, and actions. My intentions. My love.

Feeling better inside, and feeling better outside.
Feeling better than I have in a really long time.
Just being able to find me, and appropriately disperse myself in a balanced fashion has proved to be more rewarding. The gratification comes from the success of my learning. It's been a bad 15 months, but in it's own right the strongest I have ever been, and most definitely the most conscious of myself I have ever been.

written while listening to ;; dj nu-mark and pomo - melody .

looking in the mirror ;;

I don't mean physically looking in a mirror, in that sense- I mean really truly seeing yourself. Knowing who you are, what you are, and what you're capable of. I look into my mirror and see someone who is drastically changing. Seeing, being, living in a more aware state of consciousness.

Being more aware of each word I say - and how I say it so I can be understood, instead of examined. Learning the correct ways to express myself, finding logical and accurate ways to string words together. Attempting to speak in a way that the listener understands what I am trying to say. Simply knowing how the words relate to the thought is how I can further learn to communicate.

As I dig further into myself, I start seeing how my mind acts comparing to my mind. Sometimes mental processes and bodily processes are together, learning to find nothing in myself and detach my mind and body is something that will come, with time and continued learning. Trying to reduce my response to certain stimuli, and control my needs and wants. Being more intune with my intentions and the reactions they surface.

Finding a greater appreciation of nature, art, music and even history, I find a greater need for knowledge, to continuously learn. Always looking further into myself, and the world to see more. Exploring art, music, nature and culture are what hold me firm to experience, and growth. Art is the expression of thought through all sorts of media. It can be interpreted in many ways, but usually the artist has something specific to convey. Music is the same kind of way, many valid ways to produce a final message. The universe provides an endless amount of beauty within natural creations. Plants, animals, weather, all parts of the Earth. Trying to protect that is becoming increasingly important to me personally. Understanding my senses, trying to deconstruct why they make me feel the way they do-and what is an accurate interpretation of these reactions is how I continue to find appreciation and understanding.

Being more aware leads me to be more logical and rational. Thinking things through, leaving it, then seeing the clearly better way to embrace the situation, I am looking past illusion and seeing more intently. Reasonable thoughts woven together result in further conclusive and meditated action, and reaction. Again, learning to value nothing over something is imperative to successful states of being. The value of nothing as opposed to something is given me the insight into my own values in life. Certainly still perfecting the perfect combination, but I find it is ever changing. Alive, and vital truth.

Balancing each opposing factor in my life, ultimately leads to the evolution of my intellectual processes and accepting change that occurs naturally. Soon with more learning, reading, experiencing will occupy me wisely, pushing me in the right direction. I believe I am already walking on the right road...

welcome change.

written listening to ;; tool - disposition

dinner ;;

For dinner I had a very filling udon noodle soup;;
veg broth, bok choy, bean sprouts, broccoli, tofu, onion, ginger, garlic, sesame seed oil.

everything FRESH!!
was SO GOOD.

dessert ;;
pineapple, cantaloupe, grapes and blueberry salad, with strawberry yogurt and granola.

FEELING HEALTHIER ALREADY !!
written while listening to ;; roni size - brown paper bag

saturday is day one ;;

Day one has been going very well.
I had a couple things to do this morning, also laundry and errands.
All went as planned - didn't get to the grocery store yet, but still managed to eat very well.
One apple. [ red delicious ] it was really juicy!
Half a tomato, and half a cucumber [ village salad style ] with greek dressing.
One serving of crackers - and I ate them plain.
It was a filling, and healthy lunch.
At about 5 glasses of water...hopefully more soon. It's hard to get it all down thinking about it.
I have to stop thinking about it.
anyways in the end this conscious effort to eat healthier is good.
Everyone around me was eating bacon, tomato and cheese with mayo on bagels.
I did not. So proud of myself for not even eating cheese.

I think this is the best route, get back in tune with food.
Real food.

written while listening to ;; megalomaniac - incubus

dreams ;;

More recently I have been having vivid, memorable, calm dreams. I think I am finding my correctness within these dreams. Like a reflection upon the day. I like how they are influencing me in a positive way - even when I don't like my initial reaction to it. I have to find truth in these images, and through this thought I see reality. This reality has been focused on calm meditated actions.

And change.

Change within me, myself and my consciousness.
A welcome change.


Share some of your dreams with me.

written while listening to ;; Zed's Dead

preparations for day one ;;

Today is the beginning - I am eating an apple, and carrots as we speak ...
Tomorrow is day one of no junk food for 40 days !!!
I usually drink between 8 - 6 glasses of water a day,
I try hard not to intake other liquids- but it's hard with soy vanilla chai lattes, and mango juice.
BUT I am going to continue with what I started today. 12-15 glasses of water per day.
They suggest 8 glasses to keep you hydrated, so if I take that up it will start to detoxify my body.
I love water already - more can't hurt.
Also - this will take my sugar consumption down from no other liquid intake.
Grocery shopping tomorrow.
Thinking maybe baby spinach, with steamed green beans and baby potatoes. Dressed with fresh raspberry basil vinaigrette. Warm salad is great in the winter. Don't steam the spinach, so it's just barely warming through with the steam of the beans and potatoes.
One legume, and one whole grain make a protein, so I think I may have to add a high fiber breakfast to each day. This way I get my fiber and whole grains at the same time.

I'd like to be more aware of my fat intake too - so no more candy and nonsensical calories in munchies. Time to trim down, so I can be happier with my body. I'll be happier and have a lot less to hold on to.

All these small changes will end in a happier me. A more productive, progressive me.
The Best Me.

written while listening to ;; murs and 9th wonder - free

static systematic drones ;;

Creating static systematic drones is how the government controls future generations. Close to eliminating creative arts in school is one crystal clear example of compressing creative thought. Feeding through the media, with propaganda to brainwash people into believing what they want, instead of the possibilities. Information force fed to society to believe. Flu shots, servings of fruit, violence, ultra violence. Sickness, and ultimate health. Mental illness, when sometimes truth is being forced out. People suppressing truth in order to gain the followers, instead of encouraging free thought and progressive experience.
What is normal ? really ?
How are we supposed to live ?
Please tell me, so I can live life in a bubble. A cocoon of comfort where I am capable of nothing but what I have been told is correct. Never finding anything true to myself, being instantly gratified by money and fat. Trim the edges, let life show you what is really there. Unmask your ignorant ways, and see life. Take other opinions to find accurate living.

Aren't we supposed to be looking hard into ourselves in order to find the right way at the time, instead of one static correct perspective. What is the point of being individual if we're all going to end up as androids. Robots who follow order, and are programmed to create the " ideal " conflict in order to financially gain ?

What have we become ? Greedy for more, and splitting heads to do it. We should be using our time to get answers, and find accuracy in life. To find truth within experience, and applying it to what we do. Each day. Growing. Learning.

Lasting through it all.


Thoughts ?
this one is an ongoing thought, not something I am fully happy with. But opinion helps me to see more.

written while listening to : dj Saigon pt 2 TOP GUNNIN'

no junk food ;;

My blog is starting off - as a 40 days no junk food cleanse.

Today is the day before the first day, I just decided I was going to make one more big change for myself. Living healthier not only intellectually, mentally, but now physically.
I am clearly not happy with the weight gain - and not because of looks, but because of the junk food I ate all winter. Time to cleanse my body.

Tomorrow is day one, going to try mostly raw foods- and look back into becoming a vegan, or possibly going organic. I think if I limit myself to one non-vegan day per week, then it will give my diet enough variety to stay healthy. This one day can only consist of organic/free range animal consumption. Tomorrow is test out being a vegan time though. Let's see what happens. Anyone care to join me on this journey of food, and life ?

Discipline to not eat junk food - is going to be harder. No more convenience eating. I will have to be more aware of each piece of food I am eating, therefore being more aware of my food-and where it is coming from. I also will try to do more situps/pushups/skipping like I used to! TIME TO GET HEALTHY INSIDE AND OUT.

Changes are helping me realize how well I am actually doing. Learning and growing everyday, realizing more of what I was hiding from myself, and not seeing clearly in life. I was already aware - not merely applying my knowledge, and surprisingly it is working. Now it's time to apply this to my eating, and ultimately consumption. It's more for my life to be a more conscious effort.

Change starts by looking in the mirror. Really seeing yourself. Your actions- and the reactions they cause. I am applying that slowly to each aspect of life. Eventually I will be exactly where I want to be.

The best me, it will come.

In it for the long haul.

xx
written while listening to - dj Saigon TOPP GUNNIN' pt 1